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How I met your mother.
Mom and dad are stuck at the airport. Why did my sister have to invite her boyfriend over the ONE night I get the TV to myself? Now how am I supposed binge-watch Battlestar Gallactica?
It was not the first time this had happened. I could only sit there fuming at this half unexpected turn of events. “You said you would be in Dominica slaying poon this weekend!” I thought, almost out loud.
This was the most devastating sleight yet, the other time that girl was too drunk to stand, but I had been gathering my courage for months to talk to Agnes. After several episodes of pissing myself each time she looked my direction I finally mustered the nerve to ask her out and with astonishment discovered how smooth I could be.
“W-w-we h-have drinks?” I crooned, to which she responded with a sloppy kiss on the mouth and her hand down the front of my pants. As she skipped off to Social Studies I stood there dumbfounded and could not control my hand from sliding down to the same location my beloved Agnes had so recently fondled. When it emerged, to my surprise I was holding a folded scrap of paper “Your place. Tonight. 9:30. Women suck”. After thirteen years, at long last, the time had come! I was finally going to see a boobie!
I was certain tonight was the night. Tonight would be the night if it wasn’t for him. Him! Him with his hairlessness and opinions! Vincit’s baffling pick up line immediately had her frothing at the mouth, and by the smell of things, elsewhere. What the fuck is “I am Jack’s sexual misconduct” even supposed to mean?!
My mind was reeling. The thoughts could not be stopped as they raced through my brain “…Evil fuckin’ monkey branching bitch…What does he have that I don’t???…The whole world’s against me and always will be…The Jews are surely responsible for this…Why am I not comfortable with who I am?… I don’t even want to look at that boobie…”
Vincit’s voice awoke me with a start from my pitiful reverie.
“Why are you crying Mark?”
After that I don’t remember….
The minute bill gates stole Windows…